Random Thoughts Gathered

I have been really free lately, as stated in one of my previous post, and I have been doing nothing but the required needs to live and anything for the sake of entertainment, like internet and TV. Through this time, I have gathered quite a number of thoughts that I feel like pouring out in here and since it’s obviously not like I can gather much thoughts over watching TV, so, I’m definitely talking about the internet. Ok, maybe I can. But that is not the issue right now.

Over these past few days, being bored and all, I managed to find a few of my old classmates/good friends from primary school, through the internet. It’s not that I’m a heartless bitch and didn’t want to stay in contact with any of them. It’s just that I lost all of their contacts info during a move and I don’t exactly have very good memory. Also, I had some things going on back then, so, trying to contact them again was the least of my problems. And that was exactly how we fell out of touch for five whole years.

I was and still am, very glad to have found them again. And through the course of chatting with them, I also found out that we all have definitely change, whether by appearance or the way we are in general. Everything is definitely not as it used to be, which was full of innocence. We were so naïve back then, or at least I was.

Not that we are evil or anything now (ok, maybe I am a little evil), it’s just that I realize, we all have grown up in a way, as absurd as it may sound to people who know me. We now have dreams that we want to fulfill, goals that we want to reach; and personally, I find that fun, amazing and glad that we pretty much turn out to be nice people. Not that I want any of us to become evil or a delinquent.

Anyway, I’m done being ‘emotional’ and sentimental. Now, I have a more pressing issue to talk about. It’s about me. Duh…

During my chat with Christine, who I may add, did an amazing job keeping in touch with most of our old classmates, I found out some stuff about few of my old classmates. And one of them is about this one old classmate that went to the same high school as me but somehow, been in different classes for all five years, actually told her that I am ‘lan si’ (a rude Chinese way to call a person, a stuck
up) in school.

When I heard that, let’s just shocked is an understatement. I mean, what have I done to deserve that title. Turns out, it’s because I didn’t greet him when we meet and because I looked the part. Well, if he thought about it from a different angle, he would have also notice that he didn’t make an effort to greet me too. I’m not saying that my gesture didn’t seem rude. Of course, it was a rude gesture. I ignored a friend of 6 years for 5 freaking long years. But he was no better than me.

Also, it’s not like I’m all to blame, we just turned 13 back then, hitting puberty. Give me a break, for God’s sake. I had stuff going on and talking to an old friend, especially a guy didn’t seem like a fun thing to do at the moment. Especially if somehow whenever you talk to a guy, your ex-best friend will go all ‘WHOOO!’ on you… I didn’t have the mental strength to take all that. So, sue me.

Besides that, I was confirmed today that I have a stuck up look. I even went as far as to ask a few friends to see their opinion (since the whole me being stuck up was mention) and most of them say that I look stuck up at certain times. It’s not like I didn’t know about it before, it’s my face, of course, I would know about it. My sister and mum even had the courtesy to tell me that I look like a stuck up person. But it’s not my fault….

It’s those stupid, small eyes fault. I guess, in a way, it’s still my fault since it’s MY eyes. In fact, I noticed that when I choose to erase any hint of emotion from my face, which I do rather often when I’m bored and alone, without my friends. That is when the stuck up face appears. I also noticed that when I smile, that is when I look well, almost innocent(?). I know, you must be thinking that I’m very vain for looking in the mirror all the time till I can differentiate when I look stuck up and not. So, I need you to think logically. I’m a GIRL, there’s a MIRROR, go figure.

Also, the world can’t expect me to smile when there’s nothing worth smiling about. I mean, I refuse to be taken as a ’tanjung rambutan’ escapee. Also, I’m an expressionist most of the time when interacting with people, my facial muscle and soul needs to rest and be void of any emotion. Being optimistic all the time is a tiring job and I can’t be happy all the time. Do I look like I came out of a fairytale where bad things never happen? The answer would be no.

Even the happiest and most optimistic person needs time off and switch off the happy mode for a while. God gave us various emotions and I intend to use all of them. I can’t let God down, now can I? So, to whoever who is reading this and knows me, just chill and relax, I won’t bite or snub you. I’m just resting.

*Sigh* I’m glad that I got off my chest. I feel so much better. Oh well, I think I’m going to go mess with my dear depress hammy. I need to cheer my baby up.